How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk

 

Book Summary by Kavita Jhala

A HOW-TO BOOK WITH EXERCISES ACCOMPANIED BY TESTED APPROACH TO EFFECTIVE PARENTING

An instructional guide to communicative parenting

Key Points:

The IDEA is to improve relationships through communicative skills.

How to Talk So Kids will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk is a hands-on tools book that focuses on learning skills that elicit positive changes in parent-child relationships. The purpose of this book is that parents have better relationships with their children. It helps raise a generation of children who are willing to communicate than negate. Communication Skills is the capstone learning that every reader takes away from this book.

This book is written in a way that readers can reflect on their parenting practices by taking each skill at a time. They get to go through various scenarios presented and think from the child’s perspective too. The exercises help shift the thinking to the child level, enabling the parents to understand them. Strategies for coping in different situations are covered after this with QandA series after each skill is explained and exercises provided. So each chapter has problem-solution, recap, comments and questions, exercise and parent stories. Inspired by their guru - Dr Haim Ginott, a school teacher, child psychologist, psychotherapist and parent educator who pioneered the techniques of conversing with children; his principles are popular even today - Adele and Elaine have promoted these principles even further.

 

 

 

About the Authors:

 

Adele Faber graduated with a B.A. in Theater and Drama from Queens College and then earned her Master’s degree in Education from New York University. She had taught in the New York City High Schools for 8 years.

Elaine Mazlish graduated with a B.Sc degree in Theater arts. She directed children’s programs at Grosvenor house and Lenox Hill Settlements. She is a professional artist and composer too.

Both authors studied with the late child psychologist, Dr Haim Ginott, the behavior and impact of child-parent relationship. Both are former members of the faculty of The New School for Social Research in New York as well as The Family Life Institute of Long Island University.

Adele and Elaine are #1 New York Times bestselling and award-winning authors. Their books have sold more than three million copies and have been translated into over thirty languages. In addition to their numerous lectures throughout the United States, Canada and other countries, they have appeared in every major TV talk show namely, Oprah to Good Morning America. Currently, they reside in Long Island, New York. Each is a parent of three children.

About the Book:

Parenting is a constant struggle but with tools, practice and patient hustle great relationships are possible

How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk  is a guided and instructive non-fiction book for frazzled parents who think there is no hope in changing the way their kids behave. The book has chapter-wise progression of skills and methods that affirm that parents and kids can learn to understand each other better (no matter what age they are).

This book has new principles to absorb while the old patterns need to be unlearned. The book covers many aspects of self, others and the wider worldview. It is about finding a way to live with one another and feeling good about oneself and others without blame and recrimination. Parents and Kids find a way to express one’s irritation and anger without causing damage and learn to be respectful to each other. It breaks the cycle of unhelpful talk from one generation to another thereby enabling one to use this kind of communication for life and the children too can learn and implement it with their kids.

 

Who is it for?

 

This book started out as a parenting book, however its effectiveness being recognized, it is useful for a range of people :

- Parents who want to communicate better with their kids
- Readers interested in reading books on self-help, child psychology and parenting effectiveness
- People who work in child care services like child care centers, adoption centers, orphanages, foster care professionals, creche, kid activity schools or centers, etc.
- Academicians and Scholars who need to combine different aspects of child psychology, learning and development and mental health of children.
- Child Psychologists who need to combine the family counseling tactics with the child’s frame of reference
- Specialists and therapists who have to work with children and parents in relation to developmental delays and developmental anomalies in children like ADHD, Aspernger’s Syndrome, Dyslexia, etc.

 

Summary:

 

(If you have read the first book Liberated Parents/ Liberated Children don't get confused because that book talks about the authors’ personal experiences while this book is a combined version of workshops held across the country and the parents’ experiences. If you haven’t read that book - sweat not! This book is independent of the first book by the same authors.)

6 major skills have been explained chapter-wise by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in this book that helps the parents in thinking of how to better their communication with kids, be respectful and at the same time talk without damaging the psyche. This book starts off with a problem to tackle, the skill needed to problem-solve, exercise to practice and understand the child’s perspective, recap of the skill steps to implement, questions and parent stories.

How to practice the skills of communication when we are constantly challenged by the varying behavior of the kids all the time? Parents naturally would have that as the question to keep consistently going with the skills mentioned in this book. Authors Adele and Elaine suggest parents to have a friend or make a support group in your area or community as a way to work out these communication exercises and compare notes. Once you have this sorted out, it is time to begin practicing what the book suggests.

 

Helping Children Deal with their Feelings:

 

“I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.”  - isn’t that how many of us suddenly come to confound parenting problems?

It is necessary to understand that there is direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. When kids feel a certain way, they will behave in that way. The problem here is that parents don't accept their children’s feelings. They down play it by saying -

“You don’t really feel that way”

“You are saying because you are tired.”

“There’s no reason to be upset.”

Denial of feelings leads to confusion and that enrages the kids. The message goes to them that they should not deal with feelings and not trust or acknowledge their own feelings. As parents, we initially tend to deny it.

Be objective and listen to yourself. Explore your reactions in the typical way people talk. You will understand why this realisation is important. It is necessary to understand that the language of empathy is not part of us. As parents, we grew up having our feelings denied. We do the same with our kids. So skill is to help with feelings.

How to go about with helping kids acknowledge their feelings?

1.  Listen with full attention
2.  Acknowledge their feelings with words “Oh!...I see….. Hmmm”
3.  Give their feelings a name like “Oh! I see that you are angry”
4.  Give them their wish in fantasy. “Oh! I see that you are angry. We have run out of juice. Mommy wishes she could magically bring here a huge carton of orange juice here!”

 

Putting listening skills into action is difficult. We are constantly on move and there are millions of things to do. Role-playing helps put things in perspective. When feelings are denied, both parents and kids tend to get hostile with each other. When the kids’ feelings are acknowledged, we can put the kids in touch with their inner reality. The inner reality of what exactly they are experiencing. Once this reality gets clear, automatically one gets strength to cope. The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feeling away, the more stuck they are. This skill helps parents appreciate what their child is undergoing and it can make them more helpful towards what the child needs.

 

Engaging Cooperation:

 

Parents in their attention towards the kids, need to focus on their own negative feelings too. There is built-in frustration of parenthood. Given the daily struggles of getting children to behave in a way that is acceptable to society as well as family can be quite a daunting task. There would be conflict of needs and part of the problem is not knowing or being perspective to what the child is experiencing.

Reflect on your name-calling threats, commands, lecturing and moralizing, warnings, martyrdom statements, comparisons, sarcasm or prophecy statements. Each of these can be damaging to the morale of the child.

The idea is to “Think about what you would think as a child……….  “

5 skill steps are helpful to engage cooperation:

1.  Describe what you see or the problem that is presented before you
2.  Give information about the problem in terms of a fact or or the danger/ consequence it presents
3.  Say it with a word. Sometimes just the word is enough to get their attention.
4.  Talk about your feelings in terms of their feelings as well as yours.
5.  Write a note when you think they are not ready to speak up.

 

If you think you are unable to follow these steps and the child is not willing to respond, the note writing steps usually elicits a response. Sometimes it so happens that while you are writing a note the child would like to write a note and use it as a reminder for themselves.

Alternatives to Punishment:

 

Extremely moody behavior and tantrums can lead to spanking or hitting when you don’t intend to. Even a loud screaming can have its consequences. Most parents cannot belive that punishment never works. They think it is the final straw and one must use it. If you too agree then you need to calm yourself and count and chill down.

Admittedly, it takes quite a thought and control to not to say some of the things you usually say. Patience is the way forward here.

Some parents admit that they were actually hearing themselves talk and they realised that they ended up repeating the same things they didn’t like. What to do in such a case? Awareness of oneself is actually progress. It is the 1st step towards knowing yourself. Sometimes you may end up saying the ‘right things’ and yet the kids won’t listen. That’s where the thought of punishing them arises.

What happens between people when one punishes the other? Punishment could lead to feelings of hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, unwantedness and self-pity. A child should experience the consequences of misbehavior but not punishment.

It was found out that punishment actually doesn’t work - it is a distraction. A child feeling sorry would start thinking of how he can make amends and can be preoccupied with revenge fantasies. There are several possibilities other than punishment for handling the child. You can play, act, write a book together, work out together on the scenario and more.

Here are the skill steps and alternatives to punishment -

1.  Point out a way to be helpful. Pointing out the problem along with a line to solve or be helpful makes the kids committed to understanding that every problem has a solution that helps.
2.  Express strong disapproval (without attacking character). The best way is to express that the situation is not good and can lead to strong feelings.
3.  Show the child how to make amends. Kids sometimes can’t think of a way to make amends. Giving a hint or showing a way makes them better tuned to making things in order.
4.  Take action. Ensure that the situation has a solution and an action is made towards solving it. Also act so as to make the child understand that their behavior met with disapproval.
5.  Allow the child to experience the consequences of his/her misbehavior.

 

If the child repeats the behavior, for example, of taking your things without asking, make the child realise that they cannot take the things without asking and putting them back properly. The consequences would be not getting their thing until they act towards remedy.

When a problem persists, we can assume that it is more complex than it is. Problem solving therefore is always a handy way to deal with it.

Step 1: Talk about child’s feelings and needs

Step 2: Talk about your feelings and needs

Step 3: Brainstorm together to find mutually agreeable solution

Step 4: Write down all the ideas without evaluating

Step 5: Decide which suggestions you like, don’t like and follow through.

The hardest part is the shift to make in attitude. You need to stop thinking about the child as a “problem” to correct to think of the answers to the situation. The worry of overdoing the alternatives to punishment by expressing disapproval is nicely explained by Dr Selma Fraiberg, who in her book ‘The Magic Years’ says, “A child needs to feel our disapproval at certain times, but if our reaction is of such strength that the child feels worthless and depressed for his offense, we have abused our power as parents and have created the possibility that exaggerated guilt feelings and self-hatred will play a part in this child’s personality development!”

When we show disapproval, we also need to help the child to make amends. The child needs a chance to restore his own good feeling and see himself as respected. The key word is ‘respect’ - for my child, for myself and others.

Cautions about each step of the Problem Solving Process:

Check whether you are seething with emotion or calm. Check out your child’s mood too.

1.  Talk about child’s feelings
2.  Talk about your feelings
3.  Invite the child to work on finding a mutually acceptable solution
4.  Decide which ideas you like, which you don’t like and which you want to put into action.
5.  Follow through
6.  Do Not permit the child to blame or accuse you at any point.

 

Life is a process of adjustment and readjustment and it is well to keep in mind that few solutions are permanent. Let the kids solve the problems. Children can be quite original in bringing out solutions

Encouraging Autonomy

The question that most parents have: How to help make kids separate, independent persons? By allowing them to do things themselves, by permitting them to grapple with their own problems and letting them learn from their own mistakes. Continuous dependency raises feelings that are not good. On one hm the kids are dependent on us because of their youth and inexperience and yet we as adults have so much to show and tell. This can lead to hostility sometimes. How then can one minimize this dependency?

There are some skills that parents can make use of:

1.  Let the children make choices
2.  Show respect for a child’s struggle
3.  Don’t ask too many questions
4.  Don’t rush to answer questions
5.  Encourage children to use sources outside the home
6.  Don’t take away hope.

 

Parents hardly realised that asking too many questions gave children the experience of invasion of private life. It is drilled in our culture that parents have the right to ask questions and know everything. However, children will talk about what they want when they want to talk about it. When we listen to children’s feelings, share our feelings with them, invite them to problem solve - we encourage self-reliance.

We all grew up thinking what “all good mothers did” for their children. However, when you turn over the children’s responsibilities to them the overall home disposition improves.

Encouraging autonomy can be compliant. It takes self-discipline and restraint to not to tell kids what they should do. It was noted that mothers had this feeling of being needed and it gave them satisfaction. While we as mothers have joy at their independence we ache at the emptiness of no longer being needed. When a child figures out for himself what he/she wants to do, he/she grows in confidence and is willing to assume responsibility for her decision.

The point is - children want to be grown up but they still need to be children and have the need to confide in. So while we equip them with independence they also need to know that they will be heard when they share their feelings with you.

Praise

There are children who manage to brush off the belittling at home and still rise to the challenges of the outside world and then there are some children who though treated with regard still have doubts about their abilities and shrink from the challenge. Children who grow up in families that appreciated them tended to feel good about themselves. They were more likely to cope with challenges and set higher goals than others.

Nathaniel Branden in ‘The Psychology of Self-Esteem’ says, “There is no value judgement more important to man, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation - than the estimate he passes on himself. The nature of his self-evaluation has profound effects on a man’s thinking processes, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is the single most significant key to his behavior”

In this book, all principles and skills point to the fact that the child is a person of worth. Praise if one way of raising this worth but it is a tricky business. Praise can make one doubt the praiser. It can also lead to immediate denial or in some cases even threatening. It could lead to focus on weakness, create anxiety and interfere with the activity. I could also be seen as a manipulation. The more extravagant the praise is , the less you get through the child.

It is therefore necessary to identify how to give helpful praises. Dr Ginott points out that helpful praise has two parts:

1.  Adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels
2.  The child after hearing the description is able to praise himself/herself.

 

Children get more appreciative of their strengths as helpful praise builds up. This in itself is an incentive for parents to continue making descriptive efforts. Add a word that the child may or may not have known about himself/herself. Give a verbal snapshot of something they did well in the recent past and which connects with the situation currently.

Praise is doable. It is all about really looking, really listening, really noticing and really saying aloud what you see and feel.

Most of us are quick to criticize and slow to praise, letting kids know that their action or behavior is appreciated. Children’s self-esteem is too valuable to be left to others. Our efforts to cooperate can be taken for granted. Along with food, clothing, shelter we need to add ‘rightness’ in homes.

Some cautions about Praise:

1.  Make sure your praise is appropriate to child’s age and level of ability
2.  Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weakness or past failures
3.  Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child's desire to accomplish for herself.
4.  Be prepared for a lot of repetition of some activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively

 

There are other aspects that parents also have to look at. This leads to questions about children not doing the right thing. So what about failure or when what they do isn’t right? How do parents tackle this? Here are some ways:

1.  When they’re upset don't minimize the distress. On the contrary bring it out in the open and talk about it
2.  It helps when parents can be accepting of a child's mistakes and view them as an important part of the learning process.

 

Why not indulge in reward rather than praise? Why don't rewards work? The thing with reward is that children do feel good but it is for a moment. With praise they will feel good as a person. Also, it was noted that kids can actually manage situations if they are praised well. After all, don’t parents want that from kids?

 

Freeing Children from Playing Roles:

 

With frustrating situations and repetitive behaviors there are dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies. Once you begin to label a child, she/he will begin to see themselves in the same way. Can the way the parents think about the child affect the way the child thinks about himself/herself? How parents thing you are - this communication in seconds when multiplied by hours of daily contact between parents and kids - leads to not only feelings being affected but behavior too.

The way parents see their children can influence not only the way children see themselves but also the way they behave. In this context, there are 6 skills that help the parent to liberate the child from playing out a role.

1.  Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself/herself
2.  Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently
3.  Let children overhear you say something positive about them
4.  Model the behavior you would like to see
5.  Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments
6.  When your child behaves according to old label, state your feelings and /or your expectations

 

Don’t put a role on them like ‘Liar’, ‘stubborn’, etc. Find a way out to deal with the label. Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life.

 

Putting all the skills together:

 

One important aspect emerged in the parental interactions in the workshops and training sessions. It was a matter of homework. A few strategies are shared:

- Be on your child’s side. Acknowledge his feelings.
- Problem solving. Consider everything and take things into task.
- Be your child’s advocate. Communicate with the teacher when homework gets overwhelming. Don’t worry about what other kids are doing.

 

While the process of freeing children from playing out roles is complicated it is not impossible. There are mainly two things involved in this:

- Whole change of attitude
- Working knowledge of many skills.

“To change a role, you’ve really got to be able to put it all together - feelings, autonomy, praise, alternatives to punishment - the works.”

 

Over a period of time this book led to the creation of training manual by Winconsin University’s Winconsin Committee of Prevention of Child Abuse. This goes on to show how the principles laid in this book began to have far reaching implications beyond just parent-child relationships.

Upon re-reading the principles in terms of the change in family dynamics ie. single parents, divorced parents, grandparents as guardians, same-sex parents, the principles still remained the same. However, with the guilt and stress, the consumer culture bombardment, videogames, sex and violence, it was realised that more parents needed pratice and training to deal with these new age issues. This book again as emphasized by the authors is not a total answer. Problems cannot be solved by communication skills alone. However, this book does give hope and equips parents to gain skills that can be useful in certain situations if not completely (if their situation is complex).

The authors however express their caution stating that this book isn’t a total answer to all problems because not all problems can be solved by communicative skills alone. The point is that communication is a good skill to tackle issues on a large part but not the only one.

Parents, teachers, caregivers and guardians need to remember that life is not a neat script that has to be memorized or performed. There may be regret but we have a clear direction to which we can return. The fact is that the process of living and working with children is demanding and exhausting. The idea of this book is that we learn to give ourselves chances to apply the skills and more chances to have better grounds to build a better relationship with our kids.

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